I hate Christmas. I don't think I always hated it. I remember enjoying it as a child. I remember quite liking it as an adult. I don't know when I stopped liking it and started hated it. I don't think it was a sudden thing, I think it grew over time. I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it got worse as my depression got worse but the two things are definitely linked.
Christmas and depression go together like heat and ice: not at all.
Over the last few years I've been able to put a name to my main dislike of Christmas. It's the pressure. For about three months, the entire world goes into preparation mode. Everyone tells you how perfect it should be, how much fun you should have, how much love you should feel. For people like me, whose head is already full of "shoulds" and a large proportion of thinking goes into trying to counter think those automatic thoughts: we really do not need to give the shoulds more fuel.
It starts earlier every year. In August the word starts creeping into everyday vocabulary. Worse for me- I watch shopping telly 12 hours everyday (it requires no concentration and no social contact and yet you have friendly faces that you get to know like family). Christmas is their number one product. But the pressure on the perfect Christmas increases. "This will make a lovely gift for the teacher", "what about making your own Christmas crackers" "use matching gift bag and wrapping paper", "send these handmade cards" it's relentless. So more effort goes into telling myself I don't have to be this perfect woman whose house will have a colour theme and who will make her own Christmas cake by June.
Then there's the music. When there is too much noise, my ears start ringing. I know this happens and I have heard other people say this is a real thing. But this week I saw a name for it (hallujah - everyone loves a name!) "sensory overload". When your brain can't cope with so much stimulation all at the same time. I normally get it when the kids are all trying to talk to me at the same time or the tv is on too loud. But at Christmas! It's sensory party time! I heard somewhere about modern music having multiple beats which make it hard to concentrate when listening to it. At Christmas, the music becomes upbeat and happy and jolly and exciting and party and fun and colourful and loud and everything , all at the same time. It's impossible to think straight while it's on. You can turn it off of course? No, because it's on everywhere - in every shop, in every lift, in every reception. It's even playing in my children's school front door.
Then there's the lights. Blink, blink blink, screaming "pay attention to me"' "look you useless person, this family is happy and full of the Christmas spirit like you're SUPPOSED to feel". "Why haven't you done all your Christmas shopping yet?" "No one likes you because you haven't sent the Christmas cards again."
Everyone is happy at Christmas. Everyone talks about their Christmas parties and their office secret santas. But I don't work. I don't have a Christmas party and I don't have an office. Therefore I must be an entirely unlovable human being without these social niceties to mark Christmas with.
And then theres the shopping! I have a shopping addiction so i spend most of the year trying (and nearly always failing) to NOT spend money. And then comes December when everyone tells you to BUY BUY BUY - and so I do. And so the the guilt starts, which only goes away when I buy something else and it becomes a relentless never ending circle. Which for normal people ends around 24th December but it takes me about a month to re-control my spending habits.
Pester power! Its a real thing you know?! Its when your kids nag and nag you till you give in. It works every time for me. And probably doesnt require them to pester much, for every "buy me this", theres an internal voice saying "theyll hate you if you dont". So I get at least a month of trying to work out what to buy my kids and trying to ensure they all get the same number of presents (dont want them thinking I love one more than another) and that they will get what they want on Christmas day (and thats not easy when they change their mind during every advert on the telly).
And the worst thing is that you are expected to leave the house! There are requirements to visit friends and relatives, buy food, buy presents, go to school concerts; all my routines are out the window! How is an anxious agrophobic meant to cope?
Now I have a better understanding of why I hate Christmas, I find it easier to counteract it. I find ways to relieve the pressure. We have christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. This helps because there's no cooking to be done on Christmas Day, so it doesn't matter if the kids eat their entire body weight in chocolate by 10am, there's no "perfect dinner" to spoil.
I try and make the day as much like any other as possible. I'll probably take my nap as normal. I might even put a load of washing on.
I am trying to stop people buying me presents. This is hard because people like giving loved ones gifts. And it's culturally expected to give gifts so they find it hard to understand I really don't want any. I don't like them. I don't feel worthy of them. If I don't like what they've bought I feel guilty that they wasted their money. And I don't need anything: if I want something, I'll buy it (I have a shopping habit you know!)
Most of my shopping is done online (although this requires a level of organisation that isnt really a forte when youre depressed!). And I try and plan ahead and organise no more than one thing a day, and normally around my all important nap (and school runs obv!)
So I suppose as much as i hate Christmas, it has to be done and knowledge is power! Knowing the flash points helps to be able to identify workarounds. And that gives me hope for the future. If I can find workarounds for Christmas, then maybe I could find workarounds for work and become a useful member of society again and go back to work? And thats why I support the Time to Change Wales campaign. If more people talk about mental health, we can understand it more and find better ways of working around our own and our employees individual problems that will mean we can say in work longer and remain effective for longer. t
Merry Christmas all! And remember the Samaritans know this time of year is hard and so anticipate more calls.
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